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 On the State of Modern Seafaring

Today’s ships have it easy. Back in the 1850s when big ships

would roll into the Elliot Bay Harbor, they were pushed by giant sails made

from some type of fabric. This fabric, and all textiles for that matter, had to

be made, and in those days by hand. But how long was that supposed to take? A

big 20 foot sail would take miles of thread, right? Or something like that. It

must have taken people years just to make one sail. And then it would take years

to scoot across the water. And they probably all had British accents. Or maybe

not by that point, since people had been around for a while in those days. But

still, the fact remains that it would take a long time to make those sails, and

they had to have been made of something. Of course modern sailors would just

have a computer whip out a sail, should one be needed, which it wouldn’t

because all boats are not pushed around by propellers, not sails. They have had

propellers working on ships for some time now too, but not in the 1850s when

settlers were just starting to carve this great nation out of the wastelands

heretofore mulched by hostile Indians.

– – –

Common Errors in Interior Design

While there are many errors common to the field of interior

design, the most glaring is the attempt to make a dwelling appear “contemporary”

based on trends in textiles and paint samples de jour. Surely any young

designer must take into account the fact that any photographs taken of a spaced

deemed contemporary, will appear laughably outmoded by the time the snapshots

are developed. The best practice in avoiding this type of calamity, is to draw

primarily upon the successful design elements of the past, choosing elements

which have withstood the test of time such as stucco, earthtones, and concrete.

Also design elements from specific regions such as the southwest United States

are particularly well suited to conveying a sense of timelessness. Concrete

forms are extremely versatile and will accept virtually any hue so long as the

paint is applied in sufficient layers so as to overcome and saturate the medium

with a coating.

– – –

The Origins of Static

The word static itself, when referring to the effect, is an

oxymoron. Static in its purest form is completely random and constantly in

flux, contrary to the term. The components of static include a random shuffling

of black and white elements, accompanied by the familiar white noise sound.

There is some speculation that white noise is a carrier sound for the

afterlife, and although it is almost universally taken for granted, if one were

to listen carefully to the sounds, messages from our ancestors can be heard

gently wafting through the hiss. These messages are present all around us but

are commonly ignored. If one were to record the sound of the plastic flags

rustling in the wind at a car dealership, we would be able to her pleas from

those beyond the living, perhaps begging for a second chance to right a wrong

in life.

– – –

Fantastical Shoes Throughout the Ages

From the common workers sandal, to the modern workboot,

shoes have certainly seen it all. For many of us, shoes are simply an invention

to keep our feet from slamming violently and repeatedly into the earth as we

trudge around from on dismal location to the next. Time has mostly forgotten

about shoes as a means of personal expression, but apparently there was a time

when the fops and dandies of society shod their hooves in elaborate

contrivances including whimsical elements such as buckles and zippers to aid in

lashing the scraps of leather to the flesh. While the specific designs are

largely forgotten, there are some hints of exotic materials such as horse or

sheep leather outer parts, perhaps painted with festive stripes or even small


– – –

Foods that make you think

Think about foods. Could they be thinking about you? Some

people think that the thoughts we think actually come from the foods

themselves. If you were thinking about going out and buying some earrings, it

may be because that carrot you had at elevensies was embedded with that though

vibration, which was transferred to you, bite by byte. Although the thought may

have been gradual, it was probably completely lacking in your mind prior to

ingestion. If we take this into account, which foods should be eaten on a

regular basis for the most enjoyable and fulfilling life? Which ones should be

avoided? It can be generally assumed that foods consumed in the so-called

“dreary” zones, areas such as the Soviet Union, Guatemala, Poland, etc., are

hard at work undermining the happy thoughts of the people who eat them. Cabbage

and turnips must therefore be assumed to contain bleak or boring thoughts which

do little for the overall good of the nation.

– – –

Frightened Children:

Gretha Albelsmith – Frightened of dishes. Refused to eat

food which was not placed directly on the table

Markie Gunsmeyer – Frightened of charcoal. Could not be

taken to barbecues or art classes

Rebekkah Heathers – Frightened of chewing gum. Unpopular

after school, but excellent roller skater

Barbara Newton – Frightened of wounds. Passed out at the

sight or mention of blood

Ferret Rollins – Frightened  of snowflakes. Refused to partake in class art

project, will not go out on snowy days at recess. Rain drops appear to be OK.

Emma Pontrelli – Frightened of tile. Dislikes walking on

non-carpeted surfaces. Anything which makes tile-like sounds

Shelley McPhereson – Frightened of certain flowers: Still

trying to ascertain which varieties

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